Freedom’s Journey

A good friend of mine shared a really interesting story with me this morning about a letter from a former slave to his ex-master. In it, Jourdon Anderson very cordially, if not with an undertone of sarcasm, responds to his former master’s invitation to return to work for him. What struck me about the article is Anderson’s tone. He speaks as a free man, a man free of the bondage of his master’s cruelty, and the memory of that bondage, though he clearly has not forgotten. The reality of this man’s world changed when he escaped the yoke of slavery. And though he retained a very clear memory of the wrongs of the past. He lived free, and built his life free from the past.

Memory has a way of mutating. Anger unchecked morphs into bitterness, and regret for the loss of so many years and can descend to self-pity, self-loathing, hatred, fear…The thing about freedom though is that it only exists in concept. In reality we are all a slave to something. What will it be?

Salt and Light

From Evernote:

Salt and Light

Reflections on a sculpture by our dear friend and gifted artist, Julia Rivera.

She stares.

It may be a tear stained face, but she’s not broken.

Her flowers cloak her pain and adorn her determination

Lips flushed with the beauty and flavor of life’s salt.

She stares.

She is not here and will not let her feet grow roots,

but seeks the bread that falls from heaven.

She stares.

And all is golden.

Beneath the surface

There is this intangible element of devotion to Christ that is tucked away beneath the surface. It’s not always seen in church or through sacrificial giving or passionate prayer. It’s not the loud proclamation of miracles or tales of  mighty deeds. It’s quiet . . . devoted . . . bold, but subtle. It’s consistent, persistent, insistent . . . solid. It’s confident but humble. It seeks an invisible satisfaction, a deferred certainty seen now. It’s ambiguous and ephemeral but unmistakably real. It’s warm and overwhelming, transformative and contagious. It holds you close and calls you forward. It’s not emotion, nor thought, nor something you control. It’s in us, but not of us, nor confined to us. Maybe “it” is a person, and not an element of devotion at all . . . Maybe he is He, the everything of our devotion, brought near; touching us and being touched, sent to make clear that which we will never truly see . . . above the surface. (Reflections from Matthew 7:24-27)

Conscience

- originally written 2003

They call you a loyal friend to the end with the guts to speak the truth
Reproof you pang incessantly like the ache of a nagging tooth.
I try to ignore your nagging call and silence all your shouts.
With Novocaine to ease the pain, a bit of sleep might drown you out . . . might drown you out . . .might drown you…
“WAKE UP, WAKE UP! His grubby hands have got me by the throat!”
I can’t breath, I can’t see – it’s dark. Please help before I choke.
Too late . . . the stress of mess descends to stress from mess. I’m sitting spent and lost and numb.
No pain, no joy, and no clear path back to where we’ve come
It’s odd….the silence….the blandness.
I miss your knowing glances, your rigid stances.
Oh loyal friend, where is your disapproving prod?

Not about the fruit, but the tree

His purpose is the tree not its fruit.

Over the last week, we’ve been talking about Galatians at church, starting with last Sunday’s sermon on “lasting change.” It fits so perfectly with our transformation theme that I have to share a lil something that struck me about Galatians 2:20-21 (ESV):

• “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.” 

Reading the last words sparked the thought that it’s very easy to lose sight of the “purpose” of Christ’s death. There is so much talk about the things of Christ that we can forget that he had a purpose. His purpose was not his stuff, his teaching, or even our good deeds. It was us – the whole of our being.

His Purpose

By kashmansim, 9 Nov 11

Our deeds are the fleeting artifacts of devotion born from the love of a resurrected Savior.

They are fruit from a solid tree well nurished by his passing stream – sure and firm.

Their source flows from deep within the earth, where the waters of the eternal I AM feed the thirsty offshoots of our souls.

We are being transformed.

Like puberty, our deeds are the croaky voices and budding breasts of passing from death to life.

They are not for us;

Just as fruit when ripe falls and feeds, while the tree stands giving with outstretched arms.

They are not our focus;

Just as the beloved thinks only of her lover who offers up his life.

For it’s not the fruit, but the whole tree that is used by our loving Father; who is pleased to provide his precious stream.

So drink deep and lift high your branches.

Free to See True

From Evernote:

Free to See True

We are cooked alone…..and before I slip into a confusing spiral of Donald Rumsfeld’s "known knowns…unknown knowns…" I’ll just summarize by saying we can’t see the depth of our issues with sin. We don’t know how deep it goes and we need one another to love enough to speak the truth in love. We need even more to hear the truth with eagerness and pursue the truth with openness.

Even to understand the essence of our sin is not enough. To hate a sinful character trait can be self defeating. It is the essence of our imperfection and incurable tendency toward certain destruction we should hate. The answer is a passionate, attentive, endless pursuit of our sovereign God. Any other alternative is certain death (Deut 30:16-18).

To love him is to fear no one. Without the fear of man we are free to love one another selflessly with all our imperfections, selflessly learning, selflessly teaching, speaking the truth in love. Pure Heart, Good Conscience and a Sincere Faith.

The Issue in the Tissue

From Evernote:

The Issue in the Tissue

The issue is never the issue. The real issue is always wrapped in layers of tissue that must be unwrapped delicately so as not to cause another issue with the tissue. Sometimes the tissue is so thick you can’t see the issue, and other times there are other issues in the tissue that twist you from the real issue. Sometimes the issue in the tissue is a turd and you should leave it alone. Patience, gentleness and a delicate but persistent pursuit is a must when making your way through. Father guide me

He sees us thoroughly

We can’t talk to God the way we talk to man – many words but saying nothing, flattering and concealing as though no one listens.

Dust and Spirit, Darkness and Light

He sees us thoroughly, though through superficial conversations we will never see him.
He speaks to us differently, aware of a ‘self’ we ourselves don’t know.
He sees our hurts, fears, pains, and worries.
He sees what we’re ashamed to let others see and he sees the hidden path to how it came to be.
He knows our dreams, and heard the earnest prayers prayed long ago when we believed.
He knows our hatred and why we hate.
He hears our silent sobs in the pitch black of night.
He feels our lusts, understands our crazy, and unravels our deceit before we’ve spoken.
He has measured our knowledge against a depth of leagues unknown.
The attitudes of our heart sprout colors, our hopes and fears and character – infinite shades of light. 
So when we open our mouths to speak with our God, to discuss our issues with the creator of light, to talk with the ever-present, all-knowing I AM
Let it be an honest dialogue.
Let’s give our clouded, convoluted perceptions of ourselves over to a transforming clarity from the only one who knows;
The only one who sees us thoroughly and loves us still.

Shine. Like the Moon!

Ok, so I will admit in advance that this will sound a little out there for some who read this, but I have to tell it straight because the experience I just had gets to the heart of what this blog is all about. It was about 11:30 pm and I was making my way back home from praying. I often like going out to pray when its dark. I think its the strange idea that the rest of the world is asleep and I can hang solo with God. Maybe it’s the quiet, or a leftover from my days in the UK when it would get dark at 4:30 in the afternoon. I don’t know but tonight was especially sweet as it was warm, with a strong breeze and a full moon, though I didn’t know it when I first stepped out as thick, puffy clouds blotted out moon for much of the time.

As I was leaving my baseball field tucked off in the trees (a place I often go), I noticed that the clouds had moved on and this bright full moon was shining through. “Are we meant to be like the moon, Lord, having no light of our own but fully reflecting the beauty of your light?”

I have thought this question before but it seemed particular significant tonight. I asked what in me distorts God’s reflection. I wondered, as I started heading home how I fail to reflect God’s glory, when I noticed a police car drive pass me on the road. Now this would not be the first time I would be pulled over by the cops, nor would it be the first time I’ve been pulled over while praying. I haven’t of recent years handled it great. I don’t make a scene, but I have made it a point to be clearly annoyed that they would consider pulling ME over in MY neighborhood. I make sure I have ID on me these days – just in case. I acknowledge now that I too would pull me over if I saw me walking empty streets of nowhere near midnight. I must confess though that tonight I could not help but confront the common authoritative tone the officer took, with an indignant “can I help you”.

I would like to dismiss my response as a reflex reaction that came from years of experiences growing up a black man in America. But during the time between Officer Rich taking my license, and another police car pulling up behind him, I recalled a very different perspective I once had. I remembered that as a young Christian I saw every uninitiated encounter with another person almost as a special purpose from God. No matter the motive, there was no bitterness, no victim mentality, no hostility toward someone who may have had a twisted intent. I was free to love, and often I did.

Then I remembered my prayer and smiled as bright as the moon! I don’t remember all that I said to Rich and his fellow officer, who said he didn’t believe at all, but we talked and I shared, and got more and more excited. Consider this, those officers had just started a nine hour shift to comb the streets looking to fight crime. Who knows what’s going on in their worlds, but God for some reason, sent me to plant, water, and shine. I don’t know if I helped them, but they sure helped me to see how easily I allow my junk to get in the way of God’s light.

The whisper in ALL human experience

Driving down from NJ to Maryland last night I listened to an audio book on Tupac Shakur by Michael Eric Dyson called “Holler if you hear me.” I have not finished the book yet, but when I arrived in Hunt Valley I stepped out of my car with a renewed appreciation for the murdered hip hop artist. I also had an uneasiness about the messy reality of beauty and depravity in just being human. I was left thinking how ill-equipped we are to be our own judge, much less pass a verdict on another. How can we honestly sift through with any real clarity the intertwined yet contradicting noble and destructive traits and tendencies that emerge from our lives, recognizing we are not isolated entities? We exist in relation. Am I who I am because of me? because of my circumstances? because of what’s been done to me? Is it because of my behavior or is my behavior the result of someone else’s? The only possible outcomes when we attempt to be judge are blame, pride, or idolatry. It is a self-destructive fate.

This is why GRACE is at the heart of a RISING TRANSFORMATION. If we look in the mirror and see ourselves as clearly as one might, we’d see a face very much like our fellow brothers and sisters to our right and left. There would be no basis in that reflection for elevation, but equally important is that there is no human distinction that surpasses another in condemnation. If we are honest and aware, we can neither exult nor denigrate ourselves or others. This leaves us looking squarely at one another bearing the agony of our personal and collective sin. Whether we look side to side or within, there is no justice nor is there reprieve from the messy reality of the beauty and depravity in just being human.

Now before we all go and jump off a cliff, I find this to be more humbling than discouraging. This is our reality RIGHT NOW — staring at each other and ourselves partially blaming and worshipping, with flawed images in our heads of who we really are. This is the dynamic I saw at play — ultimately to its natural (though dramatic) conclusion, as I listened to Dyson’s book on Tupac.

What if, however, we could stop beating our chests or flogging our souls and look squarely at one another? I don’t mean sugarcoat, or gloss over flaws, or squint to avoid a clear image. But with warts and all, as good as 20/20 allows, see self and one another and refuse to play judge, but merely seek grace, true freedom from the unbearable burden of our personal and collective sin. Matthew 11:27-30.
The experienced alleviation of this burden of sin alone causes our souls to erupt with gratitude and longing to worship the only truly “elevated” human, Jesus Christ. THIS is the gospel. This is true freedom and clarity to see ourselves aright — free from the judgment of our personal and collective sin.

What also disturbed me when listening to the book on Tupac was the question of behavior and intent. I believe we often skew our vision, either to hopelessly alleviate our own burden of sin or to shortcut our way to our own gospel. We claim our freedom as though it was ours for the taking, and assert a false clarity, casting our flawed judgments. We then become blind because we no longer acknowledge we’re still carrying the burden of our sins, and therefore no longer seek true freedom. We continue to grope about, feigning a freedom we know internally to be false, increasing the weight and suffering of our burden of sin, only now bearing its weight all alone. The other alternative is to be fueled by the agony of sin and set about in an uncompromising pursuit for true freedom.

This uncompromising pursuit would not be easily discernable, and at its core, it is not a “religious” pursuit. It is the primitive human response to the agony of man’s burden of sin, and the nagging, indistinguishable longings of man’s spiritual DNA. Was the destructive tendencies of Tupac Shakur the necessary artifacts scattered along the path of a man genuinely seeking clarity? Or the product of a skewed perspective, unwilling to accept or extend grace and attempting to claim his own clarity in “keeping it real”?

I don’t know. Nor can you.

But I do recognize an oscillating tendency toward both when I look myself squarely in the eye.

Praise God for his GRACE, which screams out in a whisper through ALL human experience. Hebrews 12:15.